This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. When I started this blog just over two years ago, I wanted it to be an outlet for myself, as well as a place where others could look to learn from our experiences. With both of those in mind, I have decided to share my story of infertility and loss, and what I have learned. It may seem a bit personal to some, but writing about it is an outlet for myself, and reading about it may help someone who is going through the same thing.
My son has been one of the best things to happen to me. However, getting pregnant did not come easy. It tooks 13 months until I finally saw those two lines show up on a pregnancy test. Those 13 months were filled with frustration, learning about Dave’s brain tumor, yet still having hope that one day it would happen. When it finally did, we were beyond thrilled, and Patrick has been an amazing blessing.
Dave and I have loved being parents, and we were excited to continue to grow our family. After I found out I was pregnant with Patrick, Dave had radiation to treat his brain tumor. The radiation was very successful (and ended up shrinking the tumor slightly), however we would not be able to conceive another child until 18-months after his treatments ended. After the 18-month window ended, we began the journey of trying to get pregnant again.
The past 10 months have been very similar to our previous journey. Constant tracking, peeing on sticks, and frustration. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant, except for me. After 9 months, we decided to meet with an infertility doctor, and I began taking clomiphene.
After one month, I once again saw those two blue lines on a pregnancy test. We were over the moon! I couldn’t believe it had actually happened. We told our family and closest friends. We starting imagining our lives with two kids, seeing Patrick as a big brother, and once again holding a newborn child in our arms.
Just over a week later, that was all taken away. It took two days until the blood tests could confirm it, however I knew in my heart what was happening. My family tried to convince me that it could just be normal spotting, but I knew that it wasn’t. I knew that I was losing the baby.
The two days before I received the final results were agonizing. Dave and Patrick helped me get through it by making me smile when I needed it, and being by my side. I wanted to try to keep some glimmer of hope, but in reality I was processing what I knew was happening. However, it was still crushing when I got the call from the doctor confirming what I already knew.
We had only told our family and closest friends about the pregnancy, so those were also the only ones we had as our support system through this. We have some amazing friends and family, who messaged or called just to let us know they were thinking of us.
Despite the hurt and pain I was experiencing, life went on. I had to return to work. I had to interact with people who had no idea what was going on, and keep it together. Most importantly, I had to continue to be the wife and mother that my family deserved. I took my couple of days to cry, ask why this happened, be mad and sad, however I couldn’t be that person forever.
I distracted myself with my work, going to the gym to get back on track for the upcoming 5K, and staying busy around the house. Then came another reminder that life doesn’t stop just because you are going through something. My father-in-law suffered a stroke. They say when it rains it pours, and that was definitely true this week. It was a scary time in our family, however he is now home and on the mend. My father-in-law has always treated me like a daughter, and he has a big heart. Patrick absolutely adores him. It was hard to see him go through this, but I know he will be back to himself soon, because I told him he had to!
As I drove to the lab this morning to get one final blood test done to ensure the miscarriage is complete, I realized that I am not over it yet. As I walked out to my car after, I burst into tears. All of the distractions this week had been just that, and when I had a moment alone and had to think about it, the hurt was still there. However I know it will slowly get easier. It will probably never go away, but it will get easier, and life will continue to go on.
Infertility is difficult, no matter how long you have been struggling with it. A miscarriage is devastating, no matter how early in the pregnancy it occurs. Despite the struggles and loss we have experienced, I still have to believe that everything happens for a reason. For anyone else going through similar struggles, I hope that it gets better for you soon. I will continue to share my journey, and hope that soon it will be good news that we can celebrate together.